I walked by a shop window last week and had to do a double take at my reflection. I paused for a brief moment to explore this wild, confident, fierce woman in the window. I laughed out loud and whispered to myself, “who are you and when did you arrive?”
I wasn’t always this way, you know. There was a time when I lived in my own private hell. To put it plainly: I was a fucking disaster! I was falling apart inside and had no idea who the hell I was. I didn’t feel beautiful. I lived for the approval of others which of course always left me feeling empty. I walked through my days and nights here, in a chaotic spinning web of confusion and anxiety. I had completely lost touch with my inner Goddess. My sensual power had been taken from me and I was too full of fear to even attempt to try my hand at listening to my intuition. So, what changed? There was this breaking moment for me when I had finally let the walls come down. I was sitting on the floor in my laundry room crying stored up tears from years of ignoring my truth. When I was completely spent and broken open, I asked myself this simple question:
Who was I before the world told me who I should be?
That thought changed the course of my life.
In an instant, with one simple thought, I stepped onto a new path. A path that has lead me to the uncovering of this wild, magical, inspired woman that was tucked away inside of me.
I started practicing the art of trusting my intuition and stopped letting my mind break my heart. Sounds simply enough, right? Hah! Guess again.
I had ignored my intuition and silenced my heart for so long that it took a great deal of courage and practice to remember how to trust my inner compass again. My soul had lost sight of it’s North Star and I was walking though life with no sense of purpose or direction. My life was a byproduct of my action, thoughts and attention- all of which stemmed from years of programming and the deeply rooted fear of being alienated by my “friends” and family.
I was a creator who had lost the ability to create. There is no emptier feeling than that.
When people used to talk to me about their awakening, I really didn’t understand what they meant.
But I got it, in that moment on the laundry room floor- the pain had finally broken me open and I could see it all so clearly. My blinders had come off. That was my awakening! It didn’t mean that I was suddenly cured of what ailed me or that I was better than anyone else, but I could see.
With my new eyes, I started started more out of conscious intention and less out of habit. I practiced feeling my way through my actions. I began to dance with this life again, moving with a sense of power and purpose.
What I was eating, the direction I was sleeping, the water I was drinking, the music I was listening to…nothing went unchecked. Big or small, I wanted to see it all. I learned to love the sound of me feet walking away from the things that were not good for my soul. It have been unbelievably uncomfortable and the results have been worth every second of my discomfort. I am alive.
Whenever my North Star is calling me out of my comfort zone and I’m afraid, I remember what it felt like to be empty and void of my power; that’s all the motivation I need to get up and keep moving forward.
Deep down I think I knew all along who I was and what I was supposed to be doing.
Yes, meditation, books written by magical people, workshops and online courses have all played a part in showing me where to look and sparking my own inner knowing. But nothing nor anyone, no matter how amazing, can teach you how to connect. It's what your soul longs to do, naturally. You just have to remember.
Seek out people, places and things that help you remember who you are.
Find your North Star, baby, and follow that bitch home!