Whenever I have been sad or in pain, I have been so quick to try and fix it. When my loved ones are hurting, I usually hide from it or try to frantically go in a mode to mend them. In the past, I didn’t really listen and allow people around me to hurt because I was so busy looking for a solution and telling them it’s going to be okay. When my kids would cry, I would say,”aww…don’t cry! You’re okay.” But was that for them or for me? I recently had to ask myself why I am so quick to mask the pain? Why am I afraid of it? Well, pain is a bad thing, right? And sadness is something we avoid. That’s what I’ve always been told, but what if it’s not. What if pain is a gift and sadness is here to help.
I recently slipped and hurt my physical body. The moment I realized how bad I had hurt myself, I went in a mode to fight it. I was battling the pain and masking the pain with every herb I had in my apothecary. I wasn't healing as quickly as I would like and I was getting seriously annoyed by the pain. I had been annoyed and tense everyday since hurting myself and I was taking on the victim role in full force (and I was good at it..lol).
Well, one night I got quiet in a bath and had a moment to think. This simple thought crossed my mind, ‘hmm...what if I accepted this pain and allowed myself to love it instead of being so annoyed by it’ - So, I tried it. I put my hand on the area that was causing me pain and I spoke to it. I felt it all and didn’t try to run from it. I accepted it and allowed myself to be hurt. I let myself love the pain. There was something freeing about that. I was no longer the victim- I was choosing to allow it and let it do what it came to do. When I woke up the next day, the pain I had been feeling for over a week was gone. Maybe it was a coincidence, who knows…
Either way, coincidence or not, the next day I decided to try this same method on my heart. As many of you know, I was lost a friend at the end of last year, it hurt me in a big way and I was really struggling to move through it. I don’t like being sad and so I did all the things one does to make themselves happy again. And it was working, I suppose- I was feeling better, for sure, but I hadn’t really let it go. I was simply learning how to mask my pain. So, I got up in the morning before the kids and sat alone watching the sunrise. I let myself feel and I didn’t apologize for being sad. I let it all move through me and didn’t try to hide from it. I felt at peace, but not really any different. Three days later I found myself unexpectedly in a sound healing session that opened me up and gave me the power I needed to heal. My heart was finally willing and capable of letting go. Maybe this was just another coincidence. I don’t know.
I know this: I have no interest in living in fear of pain and sadness. Those things are part of our journey here. That is real. From this moment on, I choose to allow myself space to love the pain and let it be part of me instead of always trying to run from it, mask it and avoid it.
My new mantra: Let it come, let it move, let it do it’s work in you. Stop fighting. Stop running. Stop being so afraid. It’s all a gift- yes, all of it. Allow the pain to become one with you. Let it come. It’s okay. You’re okay. Feel.
How can heal what you can’t see? Look at it. Feel it. You’ll be okay.
I love you,