I am really hard on myself and learning to forgive myself has not come easy, in this life.
In December of 2016, I fucked up in a big way. I was mad at myself, I was mad at them, I was mad at timing, I was mad at how unfair it all felt and I just couldn't seem to shake it. I wanted to be mad, I didn't want to forgive. In a way, I think the anger was helping me function. A few months later, I hurt my back and I don't even know how. I could barely walk. My back is strong and I've never had any trouble with it. Herbs, baths, comfrey...I was hitting it hard and nothing was was helping. One night, I got up in the night to take a bath because I was in so much pain. I was sitting in the bath half asleep and for a moment, in my stillness, I wondered if it could be emotional. Is that possible? Yes, actually it is. Once I was able to open myself up to the possibility, I immediately knew what I had to do. I had been carrying around this hurt and I had grown comfortable with it. I kept telling myself I couldn't let it go yet because I hadn't learned the lesson it came to teach me. But that was bullshit. I had seen the lesson very clearly almost immediately. I had held on too long and it was beginning to show up in my body.
So, in an act of self love, I touched my heart and finally said it, "I am not what I have done. I am whole and I am worthy"
I danced, I cried big ugly tears, I screamed and I let the universe know how fucking unfair I thought it all was and then...I let it go.
That night, I wrote down all the ways I thought I had failed and all the ways I had been hurt. I didn't hold anything back. I told my full story...even the parts I hadn't been willing to tell myself and then I burned that bitch.
As that smoke was rising, I spoke these words to my soul,
"I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you."