Okay, confession time...
I don't really like being a mom.
I'm sure I'm "supposed" to say that I love being a mom, it's the greatest honor of my life to steward these two souls on their earth walk.
Yes, I'm sure that's what I'm supposed to say. And it's true. But even more true is:
I don't really give a fuck what I'm "supposed" to say, do or be.
I love being THEIR mama, I love these beings beyond what I ever even considered love to be. But no, I don't like being a mom.
I don't particularly like the constant activity of a toddler.
I don't particularly like the steady pace of sleeplessness or the many piles of dishes and laundry left by my family for me to do.
I don't like that my bathroom time is a family affair. I'm selfish, I'm complicated...or complex.... or deeply simple?
I miss solo psychedelic sojourns in the desert. I miss meditating on the stillness between breaths in hot springs for hours without a thread of responsibility. I miss taking off into the forest for weeks without anyone knowing where I am.
Truth is, it takes GREAT strength and constant presence for me to be a gentle mother. To not unnecessarily raise my voice or to become angry because my kids have so much aliveness and wildness in them. It's my own unsolicited self hating issues and insecurities that bubble up and attempt to strangle the infinite well of love and purity that these sacred little humans represent. To keep confronting, healing and moving through the muck of my self that surfaces daily is some of the biggest work I've ever done.
To just breathe. To give a screaming toddler a hug instead of screaming back at them, oh now that's the sacred work.
That's the real meditation.
To scream and roar my own shaman gurus through the vortex of life and birth them into the world, now that's the real solo psychedelic sojourn !
So no, I dont like being a mom, but damn I love it. It's deep, it's rugged, it's brutal, it's heart breaking, beautifully heart opening, it's ego destroying, real! It's magical. It's crucial.
Now that's the shit I like.
So, to all you mamas, the ones who love it and thrive at this job and the ones barely making it through the day.
You are incredible!!!
I met this Goddess at Eden Hot springs at a time in my life when I felt very alone and lost on my journey. I was immediately drawn to her fiery spirit and strength- I had somehow misplaced that part of myself and she reminded me that I missed it. Her energy felt youthful and ancient and she called to my inner Wild Woman. As many women have, Joy showed up on my path to inspire me and help me remember who I really am. She is soul family! You can follow her Journey on Instagram